When Donald Trump took office, he said that if anyone could bring peace to the Middle East it would be him. So how is that going? Major announcement from President Trump has been sending shock waves through the Middle East. In the last hour the president reversed 70 years of U.S. foreign policy and recognized Jerusalem as Israel’s capitol. He also said the U.S. embassy will be relocated from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. The announcement is drawing international alarm. U.S. allies across the Middle East, from Saudi Arabia to Jordan to Turkey, warn this could destroy hopes for a peace settlement between Israel and the Palestinians.
What the hell? Donald Trump just blew up the Middle East so hard that ISIS is gonna take credit for it. And he’s so desperate for compliments he’d be like, (mimics Trump): “You know what? ISIS has many sides, folks, many sides.” (normal voice): Like, moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, is like getting an apartment in your ex-girlfriend’s building. It’s not technically illegal, but you’re trying to start some (bleep). That’s what you’re doing. Because you realize, you realize what Trump has done. One of the major issues in the whole Israeli-Palestinian conflict is who has claim to Jerusalem. And the U.S. has always said it would be a fair mediator in this dispute until Trump.
It’s like two people were fighting over a cookie, and Trump was like, (mimics Trump): “I say it’s Israel’s cookie. “Now let’s talk about whose cookie it is. Yeah? Yeah? Can we do that?” (normal voice): It makes no sense. I’m not saying I know how to solve the Middle East crisis, but I know how you break it; this is how. Trump probably wants to put out the California fires by throwing Samsung phones at them. What are you doing? (laughter) Like, you know what? If this is part of the peace plan, it– maybe it will work; it might actually work.
Think about it. For decades there’s been no progress at all. And then Trump blunders in and does the one thing everyone agrees would be a huge mistake. So now everyone is freaking out. And they’re probably looking at each other and looking at him like he’s crazy and everyone in the Middle East is like, (with Middle Eastern accent): “You know what? “We’re not so different after all, let’s talk about it. “Let’s talk about it, yeah? “This guy’s crazy, yes? We work together. Let’s work together.” (normal voice): But that’s not all there was to this afternoon’s announcement. Because as disturbing as it was today to watch Donald Trump add fuel to the Middle East conflict, it was even more disturbing to watch the conflict between Donald Trump’s teeth and his tongue.
(slurred): Let us rethink old assumptions and open our hearts and minds… to defeat radicalism that threatens the hopes and dreams… Jerusalem is not just the heart of three great religions… I asked the leaders of the region. Political and religious… Thank you. God bless you. God bless Israel. God bless the Palestinians, and God bless the United States. Thank you very much. (laughter) Yo, did President Trump just “Adele Dazeem” the United States? What the hell was going on there? Jerush, Jerush. Assumpsh– the United Statesh. You know what it seemed like the whole time? It seemed like someone hit him with a blow dart just before he went out to make the speech. Like, he was like, (mimics Trump): “All right, let’s go to discuss peace.” And then like (blows), “Ah. (slurring speech): “Peace in the Middle Eastsh. “The peace in the Mid ish. The Middle Eastsha, sha.” What-what the hell was going on? You know what, maybe… okay, maybe… maybe we’re being mean. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Let’s-let’s watch it again. And God bless the United “shashs.” Thank you very much. It was worse! It was so much worse. Oh, man. Oh, he’s slurring and stumbling over the words.
He sounds like he just had a drink with Bill Cosby. What’s going on there, man? Oh, Trump is screwing this up was so funny. I’d bet there are some people in the Middle East who are like, “You know what, it was worth it. For this, it was worth it. Yeah. Look at this jackass. It was worth it.” But we all know… we all know what’s going on here. “Preshident” Trump… is wearing dentures, people. Yeah. That’s what’s going on. No, this used to happen to my grandfather all the time. His dentures would start falling out, and then he wouldn’t be able to finish his sentence. That’s what would happen. Okay, think about it– have you ever seen Trump eat an apple or a pear or fruits or vegetables of any kind, have you? Huh? Yeah, think about it– fake teeth, fake hair, fake tan.
Like, there’s no part of his body that’s real. At this point, I wouldn’t be shocked if we find out he’s the dude from Men in Black. Like… And by the way, by the way, there’s no shame in having dentures. But there is shame in Donald Trump having dentures. Yeah. Because he’s vain as hell. Can you imagine how he would feel if people started tweeting “#DentureDonald”? He would be like… Don’t do it, don’t do it. I’m just saying, can you imagine he’d feel? But don’t do it. Don’t do it, guys. He’s very “senshitive,” okay?.
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